Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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