She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
