wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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