i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
they need to just BURY HIM!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
