I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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