I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
