Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
