i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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