Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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