I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
