Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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