either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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