I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
