I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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