One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
