alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There's always time for handjobs
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
