Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
