My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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