All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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