Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
