so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
