omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
