are you still at the devil's house?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
