Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize