I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
