Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
