I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
