i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
