It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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