wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he thought i was a dude.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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