What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
