I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Four minutes until I can fart!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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