Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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