Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
