The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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