i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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