I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
