I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
