I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
