with your own penis?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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