I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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