My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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