I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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