so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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