and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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