Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
