So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
