3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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