i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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