New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
why do cheetos always look like penises
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
