He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
