definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
