We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
