I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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