I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
